to move up and down
To know someone so freely, so fully, so completely. Each wisp of hair and sideways glance. Her smell intoxicates you. It nourishes your soul. Every lilt of her voice and playful dance in her eyes. She seduces you with every breath and second. To have her, to hold her, and keep her for yourself. She sits on your mantle as your most prized possession. A cracked heart, but you don’t see it growing bigger each day. All you see is how perfect she looks on your mantle. How beautiful she looks in the only way you’ve ever known her. She is yours and she is perfection. So when was the last time you’ve known the satisfaction of being liked?
Untitled
For some reason, Switchfoot’s “This Is Your Life” song started playing in my mind and I decided to look up the lyrics. “This is your life, was it everything you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger and you had everything to lose.” When the world was younger, and you had everything to lose… this was such an intriguing line to me because I wonder if people feel like there’s more to lose in their lives when they’re young versus when they’re older. I would think that with age and additive responsibilities, people would have more to lose as they accumulate more, but perhaps with the inexperience of youth we feel as though we are sacrificing and losing a lot with every pitfall.
This quote is especially interesting to me because recently I’ve been trying to make sense of one of City and Color’s lyrics “and isn’t it great to find that you’re really worth nothing, and how safe it is to feel safe.” I had such a hard time understanding and just relating to why it would be a relief to realize that you’re worth nothing, but everything seemed to click into place when I was reading Switchfoot’s lyrics. It’s great to realize that you’re worth nothing because we carry all these responsibilities and burdens on ourselves that weigh us down. If you realize that you’re really worth nothing (not in a defeatist manner) it’s very liberating. Suddenly, you don’t have as much to lose anymore and you can live without suffocating.
So live your life. Really live it and not just sustain it. There is a difference between living and existing and I choose to LIVE. Life can get so messy and complicated, but that’s what makes it so enjoyable. The imperfections… the nuances… the fears… the joys… everything is absolutely beautiful and I intend on experiencing it all. I only get one shot, why waste it?
It’s not that glamorous.
I forget how much i hate critique of any kind and yet I’ve chosen to indulge in modeling as a hobby. Bad decision. I don’t think you can really model in general without meeting some form of criticism or rejection. I believe that constructive criticism is something I need to learn to be better at receiving, but the way people judge and critique in the modeling industry can be really brutal. It leaves me wondering what I’m doing and how far I’m willing to take this. Imagine someone pointing out all your physical flaws that you are fully aware of (sometimes maybe not) and essentially implying you should really look into doing something else. Yes, each person has self worth and their beauty doesn’t define who they are, but the modeling industry is BASED on beauty.
Yeah a crappy personality may not get you booked with certain designers, but when it comes down to it a beautiful appearance is essential. And to say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder is true, HOWEVER, there is a standard concept of beauty that is universally recognized. There are going to be people who are deemed more beautiful in this world and there will be people who will be less beautiful. That’s a fact you can’t avoid. And when it comes to modeling, that’s what everyone is looking for. The perfectly symmetrical face with high cheek bones, high straight, thin nose, even lips, big eyes, etc… And the fact of the matter is, I am not that person.
So, when all my friends tell me I should model, I wonder if it’s part of a sadistic joke to push me towards something that I’m clearly not the typical candidate for and only fit into the category because of my height and figure. There are plenty of tall, thin girls in the world, that doesn’t mean all of them can be models. I’m attractive, but i’m not stunning or model beautiful. Yes there are some models who aren’t that attractive, but their faces are very symmetrical and have great features that make them perfect for modeling (things that I do not possess). I just have a charming/attractive face because of my smile, but I’m not deluding myself into believing that I’m high fashion model material or that I could be in magazines or something.
When it comes down to it, I know that the only chance I have at modeling is on a personal/artistic level that isn’t linked to mainstream magazines or anything that rests on having society’s standard of beauty. And that’s fine, but a part of me still feels sad that I don’t have that widely accepted standard of beauty (something I’m sure many other girls feel too). I know that I have beautiful aspects about me that can be found in my personality, but I feel like the inside is something you can change whereas your physical appearance is not as easily changed. (Albeit, it’s still possible with the help of plastic surgery, but that’s very expensive and painful)
Right now, I’m doing my best to focus on who i am and what I’m truly worth so that mean things people say don’t get me down. That’s all i can really do, right?
Sonnet
The ink flows free across the smooth expanse
From whence beliefs are carved for evermore
And fairy tales of Arthur, knights, romance
Are brought to life as captivating lore.
The tip of dreams can chide and show no care,
For those who criticize and bask in greed.
Instead of myths on sheets of timeless glare
Incriminating words of malice bleed.
The quill can speak unspoken words of heart
From those too meek to voice their savvy minds.
Their silent scratches create works of art
That show the rights and wrongs of all mankind.
My ornate words on parchment hold no worth
Without my soul expressed into its birth.
searching for the profound…
In my never-ending quest to find myself and experience new things I’ve decided to try a new casual hobby—modeling. I know that people in the past have mentioned that I should consider it because I’m tall and have the figure for it, but I was plagued with so many insecurities about myself that I dismissed every comment.
To be blunt, I didn’t think I had the clear skin and facial features for it. In terms of my skin, I’ve been much more determined to care for it and it’s actually moving to the point I want it to. However, the issue of my facial features isn’t something I can really help.
I know I’ve always lamented over my asian nose and uneven eyes my entire life. I see beautiful girls all over Los Angeles and in the media and think to myself “I wish I looked like that” or “why can’t I be her?”. Well enough is enough. I’m tired of having such deep insecurities about myself. I am who I am and it’s okay if i’m not beautiful or gorgeous like celebrities and victoria secret models.
I’m going to model because I think it’s a fun way to express myself and feel liberated—who cares if I’m not pretty enough. I’m beautiful in my own way (whether on the inside or out) and if other people can’t appreciate it then that’s fine.
I truly think that every woman is beautiful in her own right and I hope any females reading this feel the same way too. Don’t let anyone tell you differently or make you feel any less special than you are. I’m definitely not the expert on confidence and being confident, but I’m really making efforts to love myself for all my imperfections (something I invite every woman out there to do with me).
Ladies, isn’t it time to get rid of the self hate and love yourself? Because if you can’t love yourself fully, how can you expect anyone else to?
Smiles That Come From The Heart
With the invention of the camera we can capture a moment in time with a mere push of a button. Sometimes when I look at people’s photos and I see their smiling faces, I think to myself, “Wow… they look like they’re having so much fun, I wish I could be having that much fun.” Yet, when i look back at my photos I feel like my smile is so contrived. Was I really happy in that moment or smiling because social etiquette deems it to be the appropriate expression for a picture?
I really feel like everyone has different smiles. There are the polite smiles, the forced smiles when you’re unhappy, the “this is pretty cool and enjoyable” smiles, the sinister smiles, etc… But i think the holy grail of all of the (at least for me) are the smiles that come from the heart. The ones that resonate to the core because you are truly happy in that moment and you couldn’t keep yourself from smiling even if you wanted to.
Only certain people, places, and memories can evoke that certain smile for me. It makes me wonder if people can tell when i’m smiling from the heart?
The reason I’m writing this whole post is because I just got off the phone with someone and he said “okay okay” and a smile just erupted straight from my heart. Why? Who the hell knows, but if you’re reading this then thanks :)
RIP Blackberry and Hello, Panda
It’s official. I can no longer use my blackberry for texting or really anything but answering and dialing phone calls. I dropped my phone (for the billionth time) in a korean clothing store and the trackball and all its fellow pieces disappeared with it. :( Guess it’s time for a new phone! *sigh*
Secondly, I dressed up as a panda for Halloween!! But everyone said I looked like a cat or a mouse :( I think I should’ve done a darker ring for my eyes and put more white on my face. Live and learn! But on the plus side i had a lot of fun drawing on the nose :) (Not so much fun taking off the nose)
Day 23-A Picture of you more than 10 years ago
Guess where I am? I know, I look like a boy. :( This photo was taken in 1998 for Peter’s graduation and I was a really big tomboy until… well the last few years. I had the dorky wire framed glasses, tied my hair up in a bun/ponytail ALL the time (versus most of the time now) and wore medium/large sized clothing cuz I thought it fit me well. All I cared about was going to school and playing sports. Yup, this was me in 1998! (But it really didn’t change much until college) Any difference? :D
Day 22-A picture of something that makes you happy
KEKE We’re hiding… Complete with my signature lip pout. Sonic and Squishy are mah babies! :) I love them a lot and they have and do bring me a lot of happiness. Their favorite pastimes are: berries, snakes, bamboo, bamboo cakes and ice cream, hiding, waiting for me to get home, playing, watching people play HoN, huggles, eating, subsistence farming of berries and bamboo, etc…
I love them lots even when they’re being obstinate little punks who ask the same questions over again e.g. “WHY?”
Day 21-A Recipe… for HAPPINESS
So day 21 is a recipe… and I decided to do a recipe for HAPPINESS :D So here you go, happy baking!
” I have a little recipe that isn’t hard to make
But you must always start as soon as you awake.
Take a great big mixing bowl and fill it with a smile
Mix half a cup of sunshine with good deeds to last a while.
Add a pinch of work and play, a pinch of thoughtfulness and care
But don’t bake it in the oven, just spread it around everywhere.”
